Thursday, July 21, 2011

Where are my pants? I CANT FIND MY PANTS!!!

I think I'm glad I don't have a webcam, because I know some of y'all would want to start a hangout on Google+. And then I'd have to put on clothes. And it's just too hot for clothes. And if I didn't, some of you would start questioning your sexual preference, and there would be great upheaval in the world. And I would have hundreds of people asking me on dates and clamoring at my door just to say hi and see me smile. And I would have to break some hearts, or be mean, or turn my dog loose on the crazies. And I'm not sure if her shots are up-to-date, so I would probably get sued. Not that I have anything to take, except for that webcam. Yeah, I think I'm glad I don't have a webcam.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


   "YOU are the most awesomest woman in the world I've ever met. Have I told you how awesome I think you are? I feel like I've known you forever, my darling!" he emphatically whisper-slurred into my ear.
   Even if I hadn't witnessed firsthand how much he had drunk tonight, the words themselves showed just how inebriated he was. The man teetering beside me had one arm draped across the back of my barstool, his hand dangling dangerously close to my derrière, the other propped up on the edge of the highly-lacquered slab of oak that served as centerpiece of The Century Club. Thomas Malort, Senior Account Executive of the area's most prestigious advertising firm, had just landed the client that careers are made from: a multi-national firm, multi-year deal, with multi-billions in revenue. To say Tom was celebrating would be an understatement of the most profound kind. His excitement and vivacity was palpable, and the sense of merriment had spread across The Century Club like a tidal wave when he announced with pride that tonight the drinks were on him. A genuine, generous soul, not often seen in the down-and-dirty world of first-class advertising, Tom had short brown hair, a touch of silver just beginning to frost his temples, the little lines around his eyes and mouth revealed a lifetime of smiles and sunshine, and one absolutely-adorable, lose-yourself-inside-of dimple. Six foot tall and toned with just the right amount of muscle dancing under a dark lavender Prada shirt. I don't think I would have changed anything about him if I were able to order him up like a filet of moderately-aged beef. Well, just one thing.
   "And you smell soooo good!" he groans as he nestles his nose into that little crook below my right ear, just the spot that sends shivers down my spine.
   "Tom," I whisper as I delicately remove myself from his nonsensical murmurings with a practiced ease. "I think it's time we found you a cab ride home."
   "Only if you're coming with me," he counters as he deftly twirls my chair to face him, catching my knee gently between his so I'm compelled to look at him directly.
   "You know I can't, Tom," I mutter to the floor, my head whirling from the spin, or maybe it was just the most recent round of drinks that found their way to us.
   "Darling," he whispers as he gently lifts my chin and we lock eyes. I feel the heat radiate between us as he starts to slide forward on his barstool, my conscience clanging alarm bells while my personal temptress gives me a gentle push.
   "Tom,.." A light peck on the lips. "" Okay. This I can handle. "..are.." Nothing untoward. And yet our lips are still pressed together. "..married.."
   And before I know how it's really happened, my head is tilted and my eyes are closed, head reeling from a liberal dosing of booze, the mutual chemistry, the sensuality of a darkened, woodsy barroom...not to mention a slight lack of oxygen.
   "Wow!" Tom whispers as we finally pull apart. "That was, wow! I'm speechless."
   The surges of pride, not to mention hormones, are reigned in by my saintly dispenser of guilt, her alarm bells having morphed into "I told you so's."
   "So, where do you live?" he asks as he tosses a platinum card at the bartender who silently materialized across from us. With the experience of knowing when a member is ready for a prompt departure, the bill is presented to Tom almost instantly. The barman's impassive half-stare into the distance, meant to camouflage him into the surroundings only deepens my embarrassment, and I blush, a perceptible scarlet letter pronouncing my shame.
   We ride down the thirteen floors in the Members' elevator, arriving in the lobby of Garrick Tower with a whoosh and a soft clink. Tom has declared my hand his lifeline, the only thing that is keeping him from flying off of the earth and into outer space. Oh, boy. This might turn out to be a tougher night than I thought. We step out into the cool pre-dawn night, and I realize that there aren't going to be any cabs waiting here, not at this hour.
   Just as I start to really worry about what I'm going to do with an incredibly intoxicated multi-millionaire, a car door opens in the shadows to our right. Phillip Williams, still dressed immaculately in his driver's uniform, hurries over to help me maneuver Tom into the backseat. He holds the door open, waiting for me to climb in, but I hesitate in the door and turn back to look at him. He, too, is wearing the same stoic expression I noticed in the bartender. I lightly squeezed his forearm, made certain he was looking at me, and shook my head as I whispered, "Wait."
   Tom was already on his way to fantasyland when I leaned in to say goodbye. He grabbed my hand, covered it in tiny kisses, and clutched it to his cheek.
   "Why couldn't I have met you eight years ago before I met...well, before I got...I just wish I had met you before..."
   "I know, I know. Mr. Williams is going to take you home now, okay? Good night, Tom."
   I prised myself from his drowsing grasp and stepped away from the limo, approval in the old chauffeur's eyes. As Mr. Williams closed the door, I heard Tom say, "Good night, my darling. I love you!"
   "Are you okay getting home, Miss..?" the old man asked me, angling for my name as well as checking on my safety.
   "Oh, yes, my car is just around the corner. I'll be fine." I assured him. He nodded and continued on to the
driver's side, pausing to glance at me once more, searching his extensive memory for a name or face to match.
   "Are you sure you're okay? You seem to know me. Do I know you? What's your name?
   "Really. I'll be fine," I said as I finally started to walk away. "Just call me 'Darling.'"
   And as the limousine pulled away from the curb, my tears began to fall with the morning dew.
   "Why does this keep happening to me?" I accusingly ask myself. "But at least this time, no one knows who I really am."

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Well, February sucked and March isn't looking much better

So, February started out with a few sniffles, a surprise cold-front and an abscess. Yeah, an infection in my tooth (next to the back molar on the left). One day, I was fine and the next....puffy, icky, swollen half of a face. Not fun at all. Of course, I should've taken care of it months ago when I broke off part of the tooth, but it didn't really hurt that often (just every once in a while when I would, say for example, bite a pretzel and it would jab directly in the hole). So, of course, I call the dentist and they can't see me for two days but also won't prescribe any antibiotics because it had been so long since my previous visit. Well, of course I procured some antibiotics because all I could imagine is the infection going directly to my heart and screwing me up even worse. When I finally see the dentist, he's all smiles and happy-go-lucky (which I would normally love, but not so much when I'm considering taking up cutting just to see if it can fool the pain receptors in my mouth into thinking they aren't that bad after all). So after getting a look-see, he says, "Well, we can do a root canal and crown, but I don't think that will last more than a few months and we'll have to end up pulling it anyway." Well, screw that. Pull it out now!  That, right there, should've made me realize how much pain I was in. So four hours later (I was a "work-in") and some drilling and yanking and more drilling (and, just an FYI, nitrous doesn't work so well when your nose is stuffed up from crying), out comes the tooth. He kept trying to get me to look at him, but I couldn't even open my eyes or I would go into complete hysterics. I did get some pain pills, but those aren't much fun when they only work for about 3 hours and you're only supposed to take them every 4-6 hours. It took a few days, but my face started to feel like a face again, and I could actually eat some solid foods. The plus side to all of this was getting to eat mashed potatoes and chocolate milkshakes for a week AND losing five pounds....but then, when I could eat again, I gained it all back. Boo.
And then there was Valentine's Day, which if you're single like me, kinda sucks. I don't really mind it most of the time, and usually I have a few friends who like to hang out and it's just another day. But this year, everything just irked me. I guess I'm getting pissy in my old age. Nothing in particular happened for me to be upset/happy/embarrassed over, and I guess that's what upset me the most. No romantic midnight confessions of love, no flowers, no anonymous notes, no chocolates, nada. Mom sent me a card with a couple of scratch-offs (which of course, I didn't win anything), but somehow, that just doesn't count the way it did when I was a kid. **Side note: Mom, if you read this, the previous statement does not mean I want you to stop sending me cards or lottery tickets!** I guess I am still hopeful. Just like the lottery tickets, I keep thinking my luck is going to turn for the better, and I'll be a big winner! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Mmmm....a chicken dinner sounds pretty yummy right now....
Okay, so February wrapped up, and here it is March already. I've broken two nails this week, which just irritates the dickens out of me because it's a little early to get a refill, but I probably will and I just think it's a waste of money. My allergies have come back in full vengeance, and now I have a lovely cough to go along with my watery eyes and sneezing. Needless to say, my exercise/getting healthy plan has veered decidedly off course as of late, but I am trying to get back in the swing of things. But wouldn't you know, now the molar on my right side is giving me problems! Makes me just want to scream!

**Well, I wrote this back at the beginning of March, but I didn't publish it. I guess I was going to try to add something more positive at the end, but obviously, that didn't happen. So here ya go!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Well....maybe not so much on the llamas

Well, here it is. 2011. That really kinda blows my mind. I still feel like a kid, but mercy me, how those years have flown past! So since it is the new year, I must have the obligatory resolutions post. Well, it's fitting seeing as that's how I got here in the first place.
Of course, my first resolution (like everyone else) is to lose weight, which has been one of my resolutions every year since high school. But this year, I changed it to being healthier. I actually started my game plan back in September, but it's a slow-moving game, and I'll post more about it later.
My second resolution is to get out and live my life.This may sound a little odd since I'm a young, single, stunningly attractive (and funny!) woman of the world. But I've always held back a little. Not that I'm planning on getting trashed and dancing on the bar every weekend. But I am going to try to go out more, to places other than NorthGate (the strip of bars in College Station). I don't really have an exact game plan for this yet, but I'm just tired of not having anything to say when someone asks, "What's new with you?" Oh, except for this blog, of course! I love to read, and I used to write a bit, too, so why not write a blog?
This week, in an effort to "live," I chopped off my hair that was down to my butt and donated 13 inches to Locks of Love. I've been thinking about doing this for a few years, but I'd always put it off. Even this time, I was trying to put it off, thinking I would wait until Resolution #1 showed a little more progress. But finally, I just did it, and I LOVE it! What in the world was I waiting for??? Let me tell you, there is no greater boost to your ego than completely changing your style. Everyone has loved it, and I enjoy seeing people do a double-take the first time they see me. Heck, I keep surprising myself every time I walk past a mirror. So after this first grand success, I'm hoping to keep up with both of my resolutions. I'll keep you posted!